


The Trouble with Words

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec's ruminates about some of Magnus's relationships with other downworlders, Discrimination Against Downworlders, Established Relationship, Fluff, Future Fic, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 02:42:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9947027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: There’s just something about Magnus Bane that makes people feel safe.  Cared for.  Loved.And Alec would fight for that till his last dying breath, not just for himself, but for others, too.  He just never knows how to tell Magnus that because, while he loves to read, he hates words.The trouble with words is that they always fail him, and Magnus is too important to him to lose simply because he said something stupid.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic makes reference to an original character who appears in my other fic Twenty-One-Year-Old Alec Lightwood. You don't have to have read it in order to understand the reference because the OC's connection to Alec is explained here as well. This is sort of a spiritual follow up to that fic though there is no direct connection between them.

Alec Lightwood knows that he’s a very important person to Magnus Bane, and he also knows that the claim doesn’t make him conceited.  

Magnus tells him everyday, and has done so every single day, in the form of caring words, altruistic actions, and sensual touches that make Alec crave more, ever since the day of Alec’s aborted wedding to Lydia.  

Magnus _has_ to care for him, has to _love_ him, because there is no other reason the beautiful, talented, and powerful warlock would put up with the things he does, just to be with Alec.  

Alec faces condescension, offers to save him from himself, save him from Magnus, and other poorly veiled homophobic behaviors daily, but what Magnus gets is more insidious.  Magnus gets anything from veiled threats to remove him from Alec’s life to open threats to turn him over to the Clave, not for anything Magnus has actually done, but for daring to be with Alec openly.  Alec knows that people have brazenly told Magnus that they would have no qualms about falsifying his guilt if it was required to get the Clave’s attention.  And that’s just for being with Alec.  

Magnus also gets what all downworlders get, vicious attacks against his existence and discrimination and prejudice.  Prejudice that Alec is ashamed to admit he was just as much a part of before Magnus came into his life.  Prejudice that he still fights against because of how he was raised and educated by the shadowhunter culture.  

During the six months he’s been with Magnus, he’s learned more than what he’d learned during his first twenty years of life.  He’s learned how to understand vampires, and how to accept that not every single one of them is like Camille Belcourt.  Raphael Santiago is nothing like her, and neither is Simon Lewis.  He knows it even if the Clave doesn’t believe it and Aldertree doesn’t accept it.

Both vampires are struggling, just like Alec is.  Raphael, with making a sort of peace between his vampire instincts and his Catholic upbringing.  Simon, with his Jewish heritage and his attempts to incorporate his faith into his life as a vampire.  Their situations are not unlike how Alec struggles with being gay in a world that tells him his sexuality is wrong.  That _he_ is wrong.  

Alec gets them now, and he tries to treat them with more respect than he’d afforded them before.  It doesn’t always work out because Simon can spark his frustrations so quickly with all of his drama, but Raphael is someone Alec thinks he could bond with if they’re ever given the chance.  Alec knows that if Magnus were ever to need help, Raphael would be there right alongside Alec without a single hesitation, and he appreciates knowing that the head of the New York Clan would have his back when it comes to protecting Magnus.  In fact, Raphael would probably fight Alec to lead the charge.

Magnus cherishes both men, and treats both Raphael and Simon as if they are sons to him.  It’s haunting to see when it comes to Raphael, because the two of them have a history that Alec doesn't know much about, out of Magnus's respect for Raphael's privacy.  But he can see how much Raphael cares for Magnus, and how much Magnus loves him in return.  It’s never something that brings up jealousy in Alec, because he gets them.  

He understands their bond, and though he’s not always respected it at first, he will never doubt it again.  Not since the Izzy situation from so many months ago.  

It’s the connection to Simon that intrigues Alec sometimes.  Magnus always tells him that it’s because he sees a little of himself in Simon, but Alec can’t figure out how.  He’s never asked, and he doesn’t plan to because the look in Magnus’s eyes when he says it is a bittersweet expression, one that tells a story without him uttering another word about it.  

Alec thinks Simon is annoying, because it's mainly because the majority of his life has been spent as a mundane, and he doesn’t understand the shadow world yet.  Simon leans on Magnus, but Alec can’t fault him for that because Alec leans on him as well.  

There’s just something about Magnus Bane that makes people feel safe.  Cared for.  Loved.  

And Alec would fight for that till his last dying breath, not just for himself, but for others, too.  He just never knows how to tell Magnus that because, while he loves to read, he hates words.  

The trouble with words is that they always fail him, and Magnus is too important to him to lose simply because he said something stupid.

Magnus also has an interesting relationship with seelies, and Alec’s introduction to that one month into their relationship had been eye-opening.  

Because Magnus knows Caeleyrn, a seelie Alec had known as a child.  And Magnus bringing him home during one of Caeleyrn’s visits to New York had upended Alec’s entire world.  

Alec had taken one look at Caeleyrn and had burst into tears, startling Magnus with its sudden onset, and making the seelie draw him into a comforting hug, once the teary-eyed and tongue-tied Alec had explained how Caeleyrn could have possibly known a shadowhunter he was supposedly meeting for the first time.

_“Young Alec Lightwood?  My dear Protector of Men, how are you?” Caeleyrn had whispered as he’d embraced Alec._

_“I didn’t know you were still ali...” Alec muttered as he sank into the hug.  “I’m so glad you’re still alive.”_

Magnus had watched them with no suspicion, but with watery eyes and a soft smile on his face.  He hadn’t asked and hadn’t interrupted.

_“Of course I’m still alive, young one,” Caeleyrn had said as he’d pulled back.  “My kind is much too resilient.”_

_“They sent you away, didn’t they?” Alec had asked once he’d composed himself.  “My parents.”_

_“They had a hand in it, yes.  But my darling boy,” Caeleyrn had cupped Alec’s cheek in his hand, “my exit was just as much to protect you as it was for me.”_

_“I figured that out when I got older,” Alec had smiled._

Caeleyrn had been grown at the time, interested in bedding women and irritating the members of the Clave, and being a sort of mentor to Alec, while Alec had been seven years old and in the midst of his first crush on a man.  He’d hero-worshipped Caeleyrn, and he’d made the mistake of speaking to his parents about how wonderful the seelie was.  That night in Magnus’s loft had been the first time he’d seen Caeleyrn since he was seven years old.

_“I see you’ve come into your own, then,” Caeleyrn had glanced unsubtly over in Magnus’s direction and smirked at Alec._

_“Something like that,” Alec had laughed._

_“Well, Magnus.  I feel like there is something you’ve failed to tell me,” Caeleyrn had said as he strode to Magnus’s bar and had helped himself to a drink._

_“My dear, I feel like there is something we’ve all failed to tell,” Magnus had taken Alec’s hand and had pulled him into an embrace._  

_Magnus had kissed him then, and had used his thumb to wipe away the residual tears.  “Are you alright?” he’d asked._

Alec had laughed then, because how could he even explain that he’d feared all his life that it was his fault something horrible had happened to Caeleyrn? That it had happened because he’d admitted to his parents, while still just a _child_ , just how much he’d crushed on the seelie.  How could he even begin to word how much he’d struggled with that since the seelie had been sent away?

_“I’m fine,” he’d said._

And they’d gone on with their evening.

Some day, he knows he will tell Magnus the whole story.  Once he finds the words.

Caeleyrn still keeps in touch with him, with both of them, and Magnus teases him every now and then that Alec will end up leaving Magnus for his first love.  Alec just backs him into the nearest wall and kisses the breath from him when he tries, and in the end, the teasing works out for both of them.

Being reunited with Caeleyrn has also made him rethink his actions with Meliorn, though Alec admits now that he should have re-evaluated those decisions anyway, without using an association with another seelie as the catalyst for it.  He understands that he was wrong in his actions to help the Clave get information from Meliorn, and about a month after Caeleyrn’s visit, he'd sought Meliorn out to apologize to him for it.  

Meliorn is a gracious man, and it stings a little to admit that most of the downworlders Alec’s met are better people than Alec feels he is himself.  It shouldn’t sting, because he understands that any automatic thoughts that shadowhunters are more noble or righteous is a belief that stems from his faulty upbringing.  It’s another thing he is trying to unlearn.  So he can be a better man.  

So he can be someone who deserves Magnus a little more than he currently does.

But not only because of Magnus.  Because the life of intolerance taught by the shadowhunter culture and the Clave is outdated and not based on any real evidence.  It needs to change.

Shadowhunters hating downworlders because they’re downworlders makes no sense.  

However, downworlders hating shadowhunters simply because they’re shadowhunters makes all the sense in the world to him.

Shadowhunters are the dangerous ones, he’s come to figure out.  They wield their power as a punishment before any wrongdoing can be committed.  

While most downworlders are just trying to survive.

Alec’s not met many warlocks besides Magnus and Iris.  He’s met Dot, when they rescued her from Valentine.  She’s in recovery now, from the experiments, and she is beginning to get back to feeling safe, Magnus says whenever he returns from visiting her.  Magnus has a standing offer for her to stay at his loft, but she turns him down frequently.  

Magnus says it’s because she feels abandoned.  By Magnus, by Clary, by everyone.  

Magnus also says he still can’t feel her magic, which concerns him.  It worries him to no end, and Alec finds himself wanting to ask what he can do.  He knows there’s nothing, because he lacks power and an understanding of warlock healing, but he feels helpless when Magnus gets angry and throws things across his loft, infuriated at being unable to help her get back to her full strength and unable to reverse the horrible things Valentine had done to her.  

Alec knows that if he tries to help, it will probably make things worse because Dot is jittery around shadowhunters.  He’s seen it with his own eyes.  

He doesn’t in any way regret the arrow he’d buried into Valentine’s throat while Magnus finished the man off.  They work good as a team, just as they had that first night they’d met when they finished off that Circle member.

Finishing Valentine off for good had changed everything for everyone.  Shadowhunters, downworlders, and even mundanes.  

They’d rescued Madzie, and she’s living with Magnus now.  The warlock council votes on decisions like that, and they’d already placed the other warlock children found in the home Iris had run.  But with Iris in the hands of the Clave, Madzie had no one.  

Magnus loves her and treats her like a daughter, and Madzie is full of smiles now.  She has her own room, though she acts like wherever Alec is in the apartment is where she’s supposed to be.  Magnus laughs and always says that he agrees with her when she says “ _with you_ ” whenever Alec asks what she wants or needs or where she wants to go.  Magnus will bend down to make eye contact and press a kiss to her forehead.  And then he tells her that he understands how she feels about Alec.

Magnus says they can almost communicate telepathically.  That due to her issues with being mostly non-verbal, if they work on it, she may be able to talk to Magnus that way.  But it may only ever be other warlocks she can do that with, so Alec has to make do with his own charm, which Magnus jokes far surpasses his own since Madzie only ever seems to want to be with Alec whenever he’s over.  

He’s not upset about it, because Magnus knows the story of how Madzie had saved Alec’s life.  Alec thinks that’s just one more thing for Magnus to love about the little girl, above and beyond how precious and perfect she already is.

It would have never occurred to him that one day he’d love a little warlock girl as if she were his own.  He feels a spark of warmth inside him every time she says his name or he spends time with her.  

She is just another way his life is so much better now.

Just like Magnus is.  But again, his words keep him from telling him so.  

Alec is in the habit now of buying Magnus something when he travels, whether he’s with Magnus or not.  The first gift had been the omamori, and Magnus still treasures it.  After he’d gotten Magnus to admit that he rarely got gifts like this, Alec became determined to change that.

So there’s an elegant martini glass from a visit to San Francisco, a bottle of a most curious blue liquor Alec had gotten on a quick trip to Curacao, the purchase made solely because the shade reminds Alec of Magnus’s magic.  Magnus says he’s saving that bottle because it had been a gift from Alec, rather than drinking it like the self-described lush he is.  

The book Alec had bought him in Paris is on the mantle, and the necklace from Gaborone, Botswana, where Magnus had taken him on a mission to assist one of the High Warlocks there with some of their medical resources is in a case nearby.  Alec had been allowed to explore the university, to see its library, because Magnus knew exactly how much Alec loved all things literary.  They’d also taken a trip to the National Museum before they’d come home, and Alec had bought the necklace while exploring the city on his own as Magnus worked.

Magnus is always telling him that the gifts aren’t necessary.  But they are to Alec.  

He can’t even give Magnus something as simple as an apology without tripping over himself, and most of the time he’s speaking with Magnus, he can’t even finish his sentences.  Magnus is always patient with him.  And Magnus is so in tune with him that he can usually finish those sentences and have those words be exactly what Alec's been trying to say.  

So Alec talks with kisses, and gifts, and the touches of his body, because that’s how he knows how to communicate.  And he lets Magnus use the words most of the time.  

This gift, he thinks, is the best one so far because it’s a ring he’s had made for Magnus.  A white gold band, with a flat surface, not unlike the rings Magnus already wears.  But this one has a rune shaped into it.

He knows he’s not ready for marriage, and that’s not what this is about.  

Magnus is making a potion when Alec returns from his visit to the jeweler.  Those delightful fingers are working their literal magic, the ingredients dropping into the cauldron with precision and concentration.  He looks over at Alec with a smile before returning to his work.  Alec knows he’s got an appointment this afternoon in Greece, and Alec is supposed to go with him.  

They are planning to stay a week and soak up some of the atmosphere and culture.  Alec’s already settled having the time off, and after Magnus’s one appointment on the first day, the rest of the time will be spent with just the two of them.  No interruptions.  No Institute business, and no warlock business.  He knows that Magnus has told most of his clients to contact another High Warlock in the event of an emergency.  Alec’s told the shadowhunters to fend for themselves for a few days because Magnus is not at their beck and call, and neither is he.  

Alec stands there in the entry way for just a moment, because sometimes Magnus just takes his breath away.  Alec knows that there will never be a time when he doesn’t consider this man beautiful, and today is no exception.  

He waits while Magnus finishes the potion and then stands to greet him.  

“Hello, darling.”  

“Hi,” Alec walks forward, closer to him, and presses their foreheads together.  “I missed you.”  

Magnus laughs, “I missed you, too, but you were only gone for a few hours.”  

Alec shrugs, “Still missed you.”  

Magnus kisses him with a smile.

“I got you something,” Alec says quietly.

“For me?”

“Why do you ask that every time I give you something?” Alec laughs.  “Yes, it’s for you.”  

Magnus grins, and deep down Alec knows that he asks every time because he loves reminding Alec of the first time, and that he loves remembering it himself.

“What is it?”

“Well, open it, but before you say anything, let me try to talk after you see it.”  He's composed a bit of a speech in his head, and if he follows the script, he thinks he might not screw this up.

Magnus nods and then opens the box to find the ring inside.  He looks up at Alec with a bit of confusion, but also with that same sense of wonder that Alec loves putting on his face.

“I know I’m not good with words.  But just so we’re clear, this is not me getting ahead of myself again.  I know it’s too early for marriage, so this isn’t an engagement ring.”  

Magnus nods and smiles at him before looking down at the ring.  

“I had it made for you, though.  The rune etched into it is the rune for strength.”

“Alexander,” Magnus says softly as he looks up.  

“I chose that one because so much of what’s happened between us has been about strength, me giving you mine when you needed it, and you using yours to help me.”  

“It’s beautiful,” Magnus says as he tries it on the middle finger of his right hand.  

Alec takes his hand and looks at the ring, and it looks just as perfect as Alec had pictured it would.  

He continues to look at it as he says, “I had a second reason for choosing this rune.”  

“You did?”  

Alec looks up at him, “You _are_ my strength.  And I don’t ever want you to forget that.”

Magnus’s eyes turn glinty with tears, and Alec uses his thumb to brush them away as they fall.  

“I won’t,” Magnus says.

“I love you.”  

“I love you, too,” Magnus says softly.  

“I know.  You have to love me in order to put up with everything being with me puts you though,” Alec smirks.

Magnus laughs again, and kisses him, “Smart shadowhunter.”  

“A rarity in the shadowhunter world, limited to approximately three shadowhunters in the current roster of the New York Institute.”  

“You, your sister.  I’d guess Jace or Clary but you are constantly complaining about their poor decisions.  So who is the third?”

“Raj.  He’s annoying, but he’s pretty brilliant sometimes.”  

Magnus smiles.  “That’s quite a change in attitude.”  

Alec grins but leaves the comment alone.  It's something he'll explain later.  “Speaking of change, I’m going to go get ready for the trip to Greece.  I pissed off some people at the Institute about it when I told them not to call me, so I need to come back from this thing looking like I had a fantastic time.”  

Magnus cups his face with his hand, “I promise it will be worth every moment.”  

Alec sneaks a quick kiss and then walks toward the bedroom, where the majority of his belongings have been for months now.  He’s practically living here, though he does still have a room at the Institute.  

“Alexander,” Magnus calls.

He turns around to look at Magnus, who is smiling and playing with the new ring on his finger.  

“Yes?”

“You are _great_ with words.”  

Alec smiles softly and shrugs at him.  “Thanks.  I’ve been practicing.”  

 


End file.
